As vulnerable as my newborn if not more I was. 12th may 2014, a day that changed my life. I didn’t know the term nor could I interpret as to what was happening. Depression was all around. Was I incompetent?
I didn’t feel euphoric. I didn’t forget all my pain as my stitches still hurt. I wasn’t the easy milking sorts either, leaking at the sight of my baby. When did life become so judgemental? I was the centre of everybody’s universe few days ago, and now I’m under scrutiny.
I couldn’t manage my hours, despite the fact that the days used to be dragging. I wanted to just not be held responsible for few hours. Going for grocery shopping alone also seemed like a far fetched dream.
1 year, 365 days. I couldn’t lie to myself anymore, I had gone in my nutshell forever. My married life suffered, emotionally I was a wreck. Even the maids at the house seemed to have more life in their years. I was hating everyone who could laugh with there full might, always wondering, are they mocking me.
I weighed 86 KGS post delivery. And that weight was more metaphorical. It burdened my heart. I would snap at the sight of someone looking great. Life was miserable, if only I could lock myself up.
Then at the end of the tunnel I saw a light, I started venting out what I felt. I got a platform. I got mycity4kids.
I would get jitters that people are viewing what I write. Maybe reading it too. That was a new high. I was writing for Neha. Not doing my job as Agastya’s mom or Arjun’s wife or a daughter or a friend. I was Neha. There was more to me.
I wanted to get out of my shell. I wanted to stop judging.
I started travelling, I picked up a book after 2 years, I cut my hair short, I started respecting my body, I am beginning to love myself, the way I am.
A calm lake at times and a tornado at others. I am me. And the realisation that there is more to me is empowering.