Sometimes you wish the time should just halt. Sometimes though you wish it to run at a faster pace. In this dilemma moments become days and days turn into years. The transition from a daughter, a sister, a girlfriend, a wife, a daughter in law and eventually a mother seems so gradual, that marking the exact time as to when it happened becomes impossible for the mortal soul.
Many hats one being, not knowing if I am doing justice to any of it. Just as the day proceeds the hats change, sometimes willingly, sometimes out of habit and fewer times it is our duty to make the switch.
I have always felt that when it is the exact time to learn something, that moment will be so obviously etched in your heart that it kind of becomes a landmark.
For me it was 12th May,2018. The day I had been planning for since eons.
The mother in me was so enthusiastic to make it all perfect for my baby, that I had not left any stone unturned. But without getting into length of it, all I can say is, You can’t fight God’s will.
That is when I realised, how much pressure we put on ourselves and unconsciously on our kids. The pressure to have everything in place.
The candles were blown, cake was cut, return favours distributed, and as my child lulled into sleep I could just think of writing this to him.
Things that I won’t ever tell him.
1. You will do it: I remember teaching him to write number 3. And his constant irritation about not being able to write it. And I was telling him,” you will do it now.” This is one thing I won’t tell him. Not now, not ever. Rather ‘You can do it.’ is what I will preach. I can encourage him, and I should as a mother. But forcing him to write a letter or chose a career or study for an exam or anything significant or not, I will tell him, he can do it. Doing it or not is a choice he has to make.
2. You have to be the best: In my zest to have the best birthday for him, I forgot a small detail, that everything is not in my hand. So I can try to do my best, but whether the best happens or not is not for me to chose. Similarly, ‘you can give it your best shot Agastya, but if it goes wrong, it’s not your fault.’
3. If he can do it, why can’t you: Comparison is what I realised is even worse than hitting a child, a scar on the body might fade away. But the one on the soul will stay there forever. Each child is different, as each mother is. I can’t imagine myself in a situation if ever you come to me and tell me, that ‘if his mom can do it, so can you.’ So how is he any different.
4. Now it’s time to return the favour: I am raising you, the way I do because it is my will. Though I would want you to love and respect me. But asking you to be my ‘ Budhape ki Laathi’ will be unfair. And I don’t ever want to put either of us the situation, when I reduce from being a parent to being a baggage.
And lastly, a note to self. That indeed I have to be the best mom for him. Yet I will never do it at my cost. I am as important as anyone else. And for him to learn to respect me and women, I need to set an example.
This birthday, I believe Agastya is not the only one who grew up. His mommy grew up too.